Today has been a really bad day. In fact, it's probably the worst day I've had since all the way back to March 10 when I found out that I had cancer. However, I was way more in control of my emotions and in a much better state of mind on that awful day than today. Of course, I'm sure the fact that I still had estrogen in my body and a cute boyfriend who claimed to love me helped me get through that day. But now they're both gone. Long, long gone. Ahhh...the casualities of cancer, right?
I'm afraid that by removing all of the estrogen (read: ovaries) from my body last Thursday in order to save my life, my doctor's scalpel has caused me to slip into a deep, deep depression. My doctor also helped further that depression by being flip when reminding me of the bad odds I face in battling this disease following the surgery.
I think it's time to start taking the happy pills now. I took one awhile back and it made me sick to my stomach so I stopped but I think I've got to try it again. For my sanity and for others'. I really don't want to spend another day in tears (literally, almost all day), contimplating how I'd like to commit suicide (my current thought is to overdose on my beloved vicodin), throwing things around my condo while my poor mother ducks in the corner. Yes, all of that really happened today. And a few other upsetting things that I won't bother mentioning because they don't deserve it.
Hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend. As always, I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day. The sun always comes out tomorrow, right?
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Thanks for your perfect honesty, Jennie! Perhaps you have as much, if not a skosh more attending love now than back when in March. But hey regardless, how 'bout TGIJ instead?
ReplyDeleteWe are all thankful it's you speaking to us. So Thank Goodness, It's Jennie!
Spot on Niece, and yes quite right, here comes the sun.
With all our love,
Uncle Chris & Gail
Joseph Campbell says:
ReplyDeleteWe must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
Hang in there...the sun will rise again and you have the strength to see it and smile.
We are sending love and positive vibes from Ashburn, and we hope you can feel it.
ReplyDeleteLove, Cyndi and Andy (Sutton)
"When despair grows in me and I wake in the middle of the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting for their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free."
ReplyDeletetry, try to rest in the grace of the world, jennie.
love you.
c
Love you Jennie! So so sorry you are going through this - I have never heard you like this. I know you and how positive and wonderful you are and you will get through this. You have such wonderful friends and family who love you for who you are. I am thinking of you constantly.
ReplyDeleteLove, Shannon
HI Jennie! We are all thinking of you here in the bay area. I'm so sorry to hear all that you are going through, but I know that (from what I have seen and heard of you) that you can handle AND get though this time.
ReplyDeleteOur thoughts and love are with you.
All my love,
Sharon
We are thinking of you and praying for you. Even though things seem at their worst now, you will outlast your fears in the end. All of this is only going to make you stronger and in the end it will make you the person you are meant to be.
ReplyDeleteStay positive. And know that many are with you.
Sending love and strength,
- A.J.
I feel the darkness in your post. When feeling hopeless I recall it's darkest before the dawn.
ReplyDeleteAll my Love,
Todd