Symptomatic: Sunday, June 28, 2009

So, I'm finally symptomatic from my severe anemia. This past week, I had to cut my usual 45-minute walks down to the shorter 30-minute version, which now takes me about 40 minutes to complete. On Friday, I noticed that I had that foggy feeling in my chest that you experience when you have a chest cold coming on. Yesterday, I had a great day at the pool filled with many visitors but almost took a nosedive into the concrete when I got up too quickly from my lounge chair toward the end of the day. Whoops! And today, whether due to my low red count, the crappy weather, my looming hysterectomy, or a whole host of other issues, I have a headache, am exhausted, and am completely depressed. Given this, I thought I'd take the opportunity to get a few things off my chest because, as I've learned from Anti Cancer and have told more than one person, it feeds cancer cells to keep bad thoughts bottled up. So, here goes:

*Hey you, it's not okay not to check in (is that a double negative...hmmm?) every couple of days just because I seem okay most of the time and you happen to have big things going on these days. I think you grew bored of my cancer drama a long time ago and are over the whole thing. Or, maybe you're just more focused on your own drama these days.

*And you, it's not okay to try to fib about something so trivial because I really don't give a damn. I've got much, much bigger fish to fry these days.

*And you, I really, really can't catch up on the phone that much these days. I hope you understand that it's just too hard for a bunch of reasons but if not, oh well.

*And you, I feel badly that I'm not there for you the way I'd like to be during a big, fun year of your life but this year, for once, has to be about me and I so hope you understand. I think you do.

*And you, do you know how totally lucky you are in so many ways? Well, you are and it seems as though you forget it on an almost daily basis. Heck, I'm even lucky right now compared to some, so you've really got no reason to complain.

*And you, please understand this, I cannot freeze eggs and while I appreciate the suggestion, I'm going to scream if I hear about it one more time. I have/had cancer in my ovaries and therefore, no doctor will extract eggs from me to implant in someone else someday because as of today, scientists cannot be sure those eggs don't have stray cancer cells in them so they will not store them to put into another human being.

*And you, please know how hard it is to keep a smile on my face when there is talk of pregnancy, babies, children, etc. because somewhere along the way, someone or something decided that I don't get to have biological children (and may not see my 40th birthday for that matter...although, I think I will). And while I recognize that this doesn't necessarily mean I won't parent a child someday, it's totally cruel nonetheless and will probably hurt a little everyday until I hold the child I'm meant to parent.

*And you, do you know how scary it is to feel as though you're about to mutilate your body at age 32 in order to save your life? And while I know many people have survived it (and even like life better after having done it...), I bet you don't know.

*And you, do you know how hard it is for me to be sidelined in so many ways for almost an entire year of my life? Well, it is really, really hard.

Okay, enough! You knew you were going to get something like this at some point, right? I mean, there's only so much Little Miss Mary Sunshine in one gal. I think I've gotten it all out. Hopefully, I'll start to feel some relief soon...


  1. Thanks, as always, for sharing your honest thoughts and for helping keep life in perspective. I hope tomorrow is a good day.

  2. yes, thanks for showing the whole picture. as i've said before, we're learning along with you. and speaking for myself, i've been so thankful to have you as the one to show us the way.

  3. catching up with the incredible jmac blog!
    re sunday's post: life's a bowl full of cherries and hey, spitting out the pits is indeed its own art form. well done.
    re back posts: just wanted to say, your dad's day props (and mom's day too!) were especially loving messages. enjoyed the photos too!
    lots of love, uncle chris

  4. you are big...BIG, you are BAD... bad, and your boss...B O S S, B O S S, B O S S, BOSS! Of course I went through your this me? Am I not calling you enough? Am I not there when you need me or a friend? I want you to know I love you!!!!

    your cousin, h